


Playful #IneffableValentines2020 prompt 18

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Series: Ineffable Valentines 2020 [18]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: #ineffableValentines2020, Anal Sex, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Bratty Crowley (Good Omens), Comedy, Crack Fic, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Easter Egg, Food Kink, Food Play, Food Sex, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Oral Sex, Sex, Sex Play, Sex dice, Spanking, Top Aziraphale (Good Omens), Valentines, comedy porn, ineffable valentines, not on the plants dear we're British
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-18 23:23:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22501513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: What happens when a demon curses the sex dice. Crowley is a brat, and Aziraphale is Just Enough Of A Bastard™️ (again). More comedy porn, because apparently this is my niche now, and my legacy, my lasting contribution to literature. I’m not even sorry.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Ineffable Valentines 2020 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1618783
Comments: 30
Kudos: 112
Collections: Crack Fic Comedy Porn, Ineffable Valentines 2020





	Playful #IneffableValentines2020 prompt 18

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miele_Petite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miele_Petite/gifts).



Aziraphale idly turned the page in his book, and lifted his eyes to the demon standing at the end of the bed in mild curiosity.

Well, “standing” was a bit of an inaccurate word for what Crowley was doing. “Posing” or “flaunting” might be slightly more accurate descriptors for his current shenanigans. He was dressed in a fishnet mesh top, booty shorts and thigh high stiletto boots in red pvc. He was currently pouting and wriggling his arse toward the angel teasingly.

Aziraphale looked down again and turned another page.

One stilettoed toe was placed deliberately on the bed between the angel’s legs, an inch from his crotch. Aziraphale raised a single eyebrow, but didn’t look up.

“What are you reading, Angel?” Crowley purred.

Aziraphale continued to read, still not looking up. “18 th century pornography, dearest.”

The book was plucked from his fingers as the disbelieving demon scanned the page in confusion, then his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Well, bugger me. Dirty fuckers weren’t they?” He looked down at Aziraphale and flinched.

The angel’s expression indicated very clearly, and without the need for any words whatsoever, that if Crowley didn’t return the book to his angelic hands in the next 3 seconds flat, unharmed, that nothing in the 9 circles of hell would be comparable to the consequences of an enraged Principality who just had his book removed mid-read.

Crowley hastily handed the book back. Aziraphale continued to stare him down for a few moments longer, radiating disapproval, before returning his gaze to the page and carrying on where he left off.

Crowley collapsed, cross-legged, on the duvet in front of him with a whimper.

“Oh come on, Angel. Are you really telling me that reading about it is more fun than doing it?”

Aziraphale didn’t lift his head. “I do not recall saying those words, no.”

“Then whyyyyyy?” the demon whined piteously.

“Because patience, that’s why.”

Crowley flung himself backwards, sprawling flat on the bed with a dramatic sigh. He lifted one knee, then lifted his other pvc-clad leg to rest on it. He stared at the ceiling. “Tease” he muttered under his breath toward the stark-bollock-naked angel.

“What was that, dearest?” Aziraphale enquired, turning another page.

“You’re just sitting there, looking all bloody seductive at me, and I’m not allowed to return the favour?

“Nakedness is not, in and of itself, seductive, Crowley.”

“And the hard-on?”

Aziraphale shrugged. “It can wait, and so can you.”

“You,” Crowley began. “Are  _ just _ enough of a bastard…”

“… to be worth knowing, I know, dearest.” Aziraphale finished smoothly.

“Lucky for you” Crowley muttered darkly.

Several minutes elapsed.

Aziraphale felt Crowley’s weight shift on the bed as he rolled over, and the angel tried to suppress a smile despite himself as he caught the demon out of the corner of his eye, crawling toward him on his elbows, looking decidedly cheeky, until his head was level with Aziraphale’s ankle, which he licked.

Aziraphale ignored him.

Crowley wriggled a little further up the bed, and licked his calf muscle.

Aziraphale turned another page.

Crowley licked his knee.

More wriggling.

A serpentine tongue licked at his inner thigh. He turned another page.

A mess of red hair appeared below his book, and two mischievous golden eyes peered up at him. Crowley opened his mouth slowly. Aziraphale tried to concentrate on the line he was reading while his peripheral vision showed the demon’s extraordinarily long tongue snake out and flick at his naked bollocks.

He dropped the book on Crowley’s head.

“OW!”

Aziraphale retrieved the book. “Well that was your own fault.”

“Angelllllll….” Crowley whined.

Aziraphale sighed and relented. He set his book aside and took in the incongruously puppy-dog-eyed look being achieved by Crowley’s serpentine eyes somehow. He reached out and ran his fingers through the demon’s red hair. “What?”

“I want to do things to you.”

“What kind of things?”

Crowley’s tongue snaked out again and licked lightly at Aziraphale’s cock. “fun thingsssssss.”

“You’ll have to be more specific, my dear boy.”

Crowley rolled over and reached out to the bedside drawer, pulled it open, rummaged for a moment, and withdrew his hand. He threw a pair of novelty sex dice on the bed, and looked up at Aziraphale with a grin. 

Aziraphale considered them for a moment. “Ok, go ahead.”

Crowley looked at what combination the dice had landed on. 

“Tickle boobs”

Aziraphale looked at him. “I don’t have any today, but feel free to go for the nipples, I suppose.”

Crowley grinned and raised himself up on hands and knees. He began with a slow kiss for his angel, before sinking his head down to use his tongue to flick over Aziraphale’s sensitive nipples for a few moments. 

Aziraphale scooped up the dice when it became a little too much, and tossed them on the bed. 

“Kiss ears” 

Aziraphale shrugged, and pulled Crowley’s head up from his chest, pressing gentle kisses on and around his ears, darting his tongue out to lick them a little as well, and nibbling his earlobe. Crowley shuddered. 

Aziraphale lifted off, and Crowley tossed the dice.

“Lick neck.” 

He grinned and dived forward to one of his favourite things. He ran his hot tongue up and down the angel’s neck greedily, and began sucking little love bites there. Aziraphale gently pushed him away. “It said nothing of biting that time, darling. Patience.” Crowley pouted, and the angel tossed the dice. 

“Stroke arm”. 

Crowley wrinkled his nose, disappointed, Boring bloody dice. Nonetheless, he waited as Aziraphale ran his fingers softly up and down Crowley’s lean wiry forearms. Crowley smiled at him while cogs turned in his head. 

He picked up the dice and threw them.

“Kiss balls”

Crowley grinned and ducked his head down between Aziraphale’s legs again to plant a flurry of light kisses on his bollocks.

Aziraphale then picked up the dice to throw. 

“Spank thigh”

Crowley wished it was a better combination, but upper thighs were close enough to his arse, so he turned over to allow Aziraphale to lay a series of firm slaps across the back of his thighs, squirming with delight at each blow. 

After a few slaps, Crowley took the dice again with a grin. He threw them. 

“Fellate Angel”

He lunged forward while Aziraphale was still starting in the dice in surprise, any questions he may have been about to raise were quickly silenced by the demonic lips wrapped eagerly around his cock. He tipped his head back to enjoy it for a little while. It was utterly delightful, but the angel didn’t want to come just yet. “It didn’t specify how long for, dearest, so I believe it’s my turn again.” He tossed the dice. 

“Bite arse.” 

He gently, and slightly reluctantly, lifted Crowley’s head off his cock with a little tug of his hair, then bent forward over his prone body until his head was level with Crowley’s utterly delicious and perfect arse, then sank his teeth into the soft flesh where it poked out of the high cut shorts, with no small amount of delight. Crowley definitely didn’t do anything so undemonic as squeak. (Ok, it might have had a slightly squeak-like quality to it.) He collected the dice and threw them. 

“Face sit demon”

Aziraphale glared at the dice. He picked them up and inspected them. He was sure there was no mention of angel or demon on them previously. He turned them over, and his eyes hurt. They should be regular six sided dice, but they appeared to be attempting to inhabit more dimensions than the usual three. 

Crowley interrupted him. “Well you heard them, time for you to sit on my face now.”

Azirapahle looked at him suspiciously, but as Crowley laid back, he nonetheless straddled the demon’s face and felt that incredible tongue flicking up under his balls, up his perineum, and circling his arsehole, before sneaking inside with utterly delicious results that had the angel wriggling with delight. Crowley’s vigorous tongue action had begun to relax him considerably already, but he wanted to move on, so sat up and threw the dice. Crowley licked his lips and looked down at them, then blinked and looked sidelong at Aziraphale, who managed to look suitably innocent. 

“Eat strawberries.”

Crowley sighed and snapped his fingers, summoning a bowl of strawberries and cream. Aziraphale laid back contentedly and opened his mouth as Crowley selected a strawberry and fed it to him. “Bastard” he muttered, on the very edge of hearing. Aziraphale ignored him and continued to eat happily. 

The (small) bowl of strawberries demolished, Crowley tossed the dice again. 

“Stroke cock”

He laid back and snapped away his gaudy attire, allowing Aziraphale unfettered access to every inch of him. Aziraphale happily ran his fingers up Crowley’s prodigious length, already fairly hard to start with, and stroked him to full attention, to the accompaniment of satisfied little moans from the demon. He stopped before Crowley got too invested, and tossed the dice again. 

“Lick nutella”

“Off what?” Crowley asked. 

Aziraphale shrugged. “Anything I like, I suppose, I might just lick it from the spoon.”

Crowley pouted. When Aziraphale snapped a jar of nutella up from the kitchen, Crowley grabbed it from him, stuck two fingers in it, and smeared it up his own stomach and chest, then over his nippples, and laid back with a smirk. 

Aziraphale capitulated and leaned forward to lick all the way up Crowley’s lean torso. He let his tongue linger for a while on his nipples, then sat back and passed the dice to Crowley again. 

“Nibble wings”

“Oh come  _ on _ , Crowley” 

The demon looked up at him innocently. “What? You’ve been doing it too.”

“You started it.”

Aziraphale scooped up the dice and let them fall on the bed, not breaking eye contact with Crowley. After a moment, the demon looked away and down.

“Wank on plant”

Crowley’s gaze shot up again, eyes narrowing. “That was below the belt.” He hissed. *

He tossed the dice and glared at Aziraphale. 

“Lick the Bentley.”

Aziraphale scooped them up and let them fall. 

“Fellate a book”

“Now you’re just being ridiculous” Crowley spat. 

Aziraphale grabbed them again. “Hey, it’s not your turn” Crowley objected, but the angel threw them anyway. 

“Spit roast a strawberry”

Crowley rolled his eyes. 

Aziraphale summoned a strawberry and held it up between thumb and forefinger. He raised a questioning eyebrow at the demon. 

They stared at each other. 

They stared at the strawberry. 

Aziraphale cracked up first, Crowley following immediately behind, collapsing forward, wheezing giggles into Aziraphale’s arms. They cackled madly with each other for several minutes, until Aziraphale was literally helpless, crying with laughter and completely forgetting how the hell they had even got to this point anyway. His arms were full of hysterical demon, so he reached out and grabbed the dice again, tossed them down on “tickle demon” and set about doing so. Crowley’s howls increased in intensity and volume until he rolled up in a ball giggling helplessly. 

Aziraphale eventually collapsed in a pile over Crowley, gave up tickling him and instead started kissing all the spots he’d been tickling. Crowley slowly subsided, and began to relax back a little. He uncurled and drew a deep breath. Aziraphale carried on kissing him all over, then wriggled up to plant a kiss on his lips. “Let’s just forget the dice, dear. How about you just take me now?”

Crowley grinned. “Thought you’d never ask, Angel.” 

Aziraphale flipped over and stuck his arse in the air teasingly. “All yours, my dear.” Crowley knelt behind him and admired that delicious round backside for a moment, before leaning forward to lick the angel’s arse a little more, then grabbed the bottle of lube from the nightstand and slathered some on his fingers. He bent over Aziraphale’s back and kissed his shoulders, then gently slid two fingers into his already fairly relaxed arse. Aziraphale drew a sharp breath, and wriggled back onto the demon’s hand with a whimper. 

Crowley worked slowly but steadily to stretch his lover out more in preparation, long fingers pressing just over his sensitive prostate now and then to push him further and further, then inserted a third finger and wriggled them around teasingly until his angel moaned indecently.

“Fuck me” the angel growled, deep in his throat, making Crowley grin evilly. “ _ Now _ who needs to be patient?” he taunted, slowing his hand deliberately. Aziraphale shot him a look over his shoulder, and smirked. He lunged forward lightning fast, spun around, pinned Crowley back on the bed, then straddled him before the demon had chance to realise what was going on .

“Aziraphale?” he gasped in surprise. The angel smirked down at him and raised himself up carefully over Crowley’s very erect cock, before lowering himself down slowly onto it. 

Crowley’s eyes rolled back in his head. 

Sweet fuck the angel was riding him like a sodding rodeo bull and he was not going to last long if he carried on at this pace. Aziraphale was rocking his hips back and forth, then tipped forward, hands on Crowley’s chest, and circling his backside like a belly dancer. Crowley gritted his teeth and gasped. Aziraphale laughed. “Worth waiting for then?”

“Nnnnghhh”

“Thought so.”

He carried on fucking the demon in a frenzy, lifting himself up on his knees then sinking back down, taking in Crowley’s entire length to the hilt then rising up again, controlling the angle himself so he could ensure that Crowley hit his most sensitive spot on every thrust, his own coordination becoming less controlled as he did so. 

Crowley grabbed blindly at the angel’s hips, gripping hard and guiding his speed, chasing his own orgasm now too, and beginning to thrust up at him, safe in the knowledge that Aziraphale had already taken him as deep as was possible. Aziraphale reached down to flick at Crowley’s nipples as he rode him, making him hiss in delight, neither slowed their pace, muscles going tense with impending release. Crowley let go of his lover’s hips and took one hand to wrap around Aziraphale’s cock to finally give it some attention as well. 

Aziraphale grunted and bit his lip, a few short strokes were all it took to push him over the edge, spurting his come all over Crowley’s stomach and chest, his arse clamping tight around the demon’s cock, pushing him into his own orgasm deep inside the angel, who collapsed forward onto him, breathing hard. Crowley gasped his way back to reality and wrapped his arms around his soft angel. He pressed a kiss to the top of Aziraphale’s head, in his blonde curls. “Yeah, that was worth waiting for.”

Aziraphale grinned and nuzzled into his chest happily. “Told you so.”

**Author's Note:**

> *for reference, see VERY NSFW comedy porn crack fic [ "Not on the plants, dear, we're British"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22203073/chapters/53010559)


End file.
